Fan Meizhong Read Me

 Fan Meizhong readme: Any cultural tradition, just because a commercial transportation and developed areas, and its over-commercial and secular fit with my temperament, but also extremely detrimental to my growth. My parents are illiterate, Marx hanging on the wall at home Engels, Lenin, Stalin, and Mao's portrait. I'm the youngest a son, there are even three older brothers and one sister. I came to this world, to the very poor families to a greater burden. but the parents has not been as superfluous as I, but gave me the most love.
irresponsible as his father, my mother bear with her thin body almost all of the family burden, and she gave me love get my life the greatest warmth, such love will never settle in my heart of hearts, so when I'm always in the face of darkness is the darkness swallowed whole Buzhi Yu. I grew up a bad temper, very tough, introverted eccentric, not very attractive, so that some of my relatives think I'm afraid I do not fit to survive in this society. But young and I show some of my father and some neighbors seem unusual side. For example I'm not on the primary school under the influence of the brother learned to read simple books, do some addition and subtraction multiplication and division calculations, reaching levels around the third grade. so my father always thought I was a child prodigy, he hopes one day he might be able to have I am so proud of a son. In fact, looking back, I was smart mathematical logic stronger than the average person only.
my primary school in 1979, when I read the first lesson on the primary language textbooks is Mao and Hua Guofeng sit together picture of Mao Duihua said: s! Chairman Mao died and the Cultural Revolution, when I was four, no major events and this one memory of the Cultural Revolution. but I have on the rural communes and collective memory, especially in poverty brought about such a system even unforgettable impression left me hungry. I remember a year in the Spring Festival is the famine, the family cooked rice, how do I remove fishing can not be the number of meters from which to. but the child is always the monsters do not care, they do not take the family. Therefore, the family's poverty and the absurdity of the era only through the atmosphere it brings makes me feel depressed, more often, I still was a carefree child-like.
the survival of today's children when competition from their birth to begin. They have to participate in piano violin since childhood, painting Mathematical Olympiad, and other training courses. and I have no such additional burden, the field is my wild world, I have no job stress cases, free to grow up in nature. We are basically to produce their own toys, I have to catch fish shrimp fishing, listening to cicadas and twittered childhood summer! then later each time to listen to Luo's childhood, . in such a young age, my soul there is an inexplicable sadness that I feel this is not a physical world, I really want, I'm always longing and yearning for a distant, perhaps, that does not exist things. Compared with other children, stubborn eccentric, sensitive soul is rich in terms of mathematical logic, so a little bit superior intelligence could be my special place.
I read and the reality of the world outside of the yearning and obsession is birthright. at home without any books, teaching materials brothers and sisters became the object of my reading, I read a lot of comic books, mostly historical romance comics in various dynasties, most impressed by children's book is . memory of the times a little bit utopian, and will not do as eighty after the children, just read in a book of articles about that era, or listening to come to talk in that era, as if the absurdity of listening to distant and magical legend.
heroic fantasy from my youth, aged around
's time to start, great time in the event of significant changes. household contract responsibility system so that farmers unprecedented release of energy, and I was no longer hungry. In the popular culture level, instead of Teresa Teng's private emotional narrative of the great mantra of collectivism, the TV series totem. flower shirt, bell-bottoms, long hair, sunglasses, pointed shoes, three sheep became fashionable youth brand mark recorder. Jet Li's such films have inspired me with the passion of heroism and patriotism.
born in the sixties, according to people who recalled the era of the eighties is the ideal, is the poetry of the era is the era of the spirit is freedom and democracy the grand narrative of utopian burning passion. But since I grew up in small town suburban and rural areas, age and much smaller, so that the culture and the pursuit of enlightenment ideas had little effect on the ideal atmosphere to me. I was just nine After ten years on behalf of reading through a variety of ways to review and imagination to experience such a spiritual atmosphere, to understand those historical facts and their ideas. this decade is very simple for me, is heroic fantasy stage.
the third grade when a classmate gave me a martial arts novel my desire and ability of the super hero of chivalric fantasy, then I read on into the era of a decade of martial arts. Because of my mathematical logic more than the general intelligence of students eager to learn as I ponder, as I have memory, and also simple and focused as I thought, so, although I rarely listen class, assignments are often not finish, very little effort from top to bottom in the study, parents of students in the teacher's academic performance is valued, I was always the leader, each exam have felt light-hearted and always winners!
me extra energy, too much blood fantasy vision and emotion have no place to place, so almost all projected onto the martial arts, and fancies himself chivalric hero ! I went to see the road, seen hiding in the woods, steal school to see, lying in bed late at night to see, read Jin Yong Gu Long Liang Yu-Shen Wen Jui martial arts haggard look TRANSACTIONS Wo Lung Sheng Liu Canyang child, I almost read the whole county All martial arts find that some of my classmates surprised that a person all day to see how martial arts admitted to the North? decade later recalled reading experience that I deeply regret it, lose, why not read a The development of my spiritual and intellectual enlightenment of valuable books then? this time if there is a good teacher or a thoughtful friend brought me into the mind and spirit of the world is good! Not only that, my life energy in the martial arts great the novel can not be fully released, it is also buy a variety of martial arts magazine self practice martial arts, I bought all the sports magazines, bought all the military magazines, and novels of romance, Chiung Yao, the fundamental disdain. this period my teacher My impression of how what? graduate in early 2089 when the teacher looked at my graduation photo shook his head, said: , after mixing of social difficulty,! have been very serious. simple, I do have a sense of justice can not accept that such feelings and indignation of the simple entrance when I was a volunteer reporting.
North four years: the pain of schizophrenia in the wake
because of widespread corruption of officials in anger, I decided to apply for China University of Politics and Law, I imagine to be a judge to preside over justice. But the strange combination of circumstances that, because the college entrance exam better, I was Beijing University history department s impossible. this time I did not expect the North what it means to me, did not anticipate how it will affect my thinking and life trajectory, but that was admitted to Beijing University as a dream for me, I had In fact, this dream did not dare to do.
at Peking University in my mind is so sacred and unattainable, so that any professional I do not care. Yanyuan formally entered, I can not fail to mention Shijiazhuang Army Academy one year of military training. the teenage years, I have filled with longing for the army, but military training year, my fantasy hopes hit the army to pieces. forces of tyranny and patterns of extreme for me, this be it most can not stand is the brainwashing of our, they forced us to learn Deng Mao's election, this is my extremely intolerable.
as VOA's sake, I was squadron District officials criticized the team, they also confiscated my tape recorder. I do not eat that eat soft hard against the right of management services. They stirred the arbitrary practices against my strong feelings. But I have to say, this time I am twenty years old, but no contact to any intellectual resources, not an expert by any of the advice, just an instinctive revolt. year of military training ended, I get one breath, the nightmare is finally over! I look forward to new experiences into a new sense of Peking University, I to look forward to the excitement!
filed Beijing University, my feelings are complex. In addition to an initially controversial strange, Grand View Garden in general, feel confused, silly! class is basically a doctoral degree to teach us, although now my point of view, their thoughts and knowledge is bad enough, but definitely better than my high school history teacher too strong more, at least they do not give the standard answer.
but these are not so important, teachers in the North now has few adhere to intellectual conscience, to look beyond pure dedication to value and protect the spirit of flame, and should it be done teacher, back to the era of the North to find Cai Go! present value of Peking University is that it does not how many excellent teachers, but in its campus culture, specifically, is a variety of lectures by a variety of daily cultural societies and universally loved reading the students eager to learn the campus culture alive! the first two years, I kept the shuttle out of a variety of lectures, and moderation in all aspects of buying a large number of books on the human thought.
Of course, you do not expect this time of the classroom and lectures at the university there are the voice of teachers can be issued heresy, enlightenment can be your mentor. you know, the early nineties, whether North or the whole of China are side by the intellectual disaster, in a state of immobility. I once said in an article, this time truly thinking of university teachers are either living on the bloody arena, or be rushed abroad, or being thrown into prison. That being the case, there I have a direct impact on daily instruction of my teacher or college tutor thought it? No, certainly not! So how can I shower in the dark to the glory of the Enlightenment and the pain gradually start to awaken ignorance it?
led me to wake There are two main factors. The first is the pain of schizophrenia prompted me to start thinking. At that time some of my classmates have to fight to join the party after they enter the government agencies seeking to better prepare for the future, so watch them so ambitious interested in their own right of way, I feel ashamed for their complacency, and I sprouted a big money when the high official homecoming of the ideal. But my people have a big mistake because it is too honest, fake bad! I never used to say against his words, then attended classes from School to very painful, very difficult written application to join the party, this time I began to hate their honesty, National Cheng Kung University were sloppy cause ah! you are even this thick black kung fu No, how in this society mixed ah? said I did not mean that the students are calm, being applauded this idea. And I began to feel wonder why I want this society to survive well under this system must be his own become hypocritical? must be dishonest to lie? must be devoid of their own conscience first of their own worse? in the end the system of our country, culture and national character have a problem or I have a problem? or have problems ? this intolerable schizophrenia prompted me to start thinking about the pain.
think the starting point to another Cultural Revolution. I was history, and have a strong feeling of patriotism. but the reality is always let me the national feelings of pride and patriotic fervor would suffer. such as the time to start junior high school physics and chemistry, I found the theorems in natural science axiom that almost all Europeans get out, and why no Chinese scientists contribute? China is so cattle, why was it so poor why the weapons so far behind? particular, I can not accept is that my great motherland in the twentieth century, how can such a ridiculous farce staged the Cultural Revolution it? Reflections on the Cultural Revolution in China that started me thinking history, culture, politics, the Chinese national character and history of communism, the political theory of the logic operation and so on.
this period the greatest impact on my thinking person is hou. hou today with the times because there is no forward, there is not much worth to say. But I never want to thank him! in his gene to know Chinese culture in general and transcendent values and non-utilitarian spirit of the pure love of knowledge; in his has not expired, the Chinese people in general do not value the pursuit of the ultimate meaning of individual freedom, but put it into the nation-state as a means of grand narrative; hou also highlight the theme of the subjectivity of individual life and individual existence to some extent to the chance to oppose the decision theory, this concept is to some extent for my individual consciousness.
this period of Hayek's the awakening of thinking, and consciousness of individual existence, I began life on the utilitarian value of unsatisfied began to feel the presence of loneliness, emptiness, and absurdity, feel the ultimate meaning and sacred value of life lost due to missing and homeless grief. whether it is to squeeze into the pursuit of power, or walking into a store official pursuit of money is not my true desire. Therefore, a university graduate, I strongly feel the confusion of life and choice of life path of confusion. I even think that these the pain is vague I like to read the consequences.
view on the university to return after their education school, I think the knowledge that time to accept the liberal arts are basically used to deceive our pseudo-knowledge, education The idea is not to open their horizons and allow them to think freely and to be truly seeking the truth survival ability, I feel the good times throughout the teenage years are a shame to waste too, too many students in the stupefying education authorities the cheated! hope was based on the one hand, those who will not repeat the tragedy of my feelings of Reciprocity, on the other hand the pursuit of this ideal of education to some extent the pursuit of transcendent value satisfy my urge, therefore, the University graduation, I chose to take the initiative to Sichuan Zigong Light Middle School to teach high school history.
Zigong three: lonely cry of despair is often the beginning
naive idealist, and he senses a number of issues, accept some new concepts and ideas, to assume that others can understand and accept. so naive I want to come crashing doomed. I graduated from college after one thousand nine hundred ninety-seven chose to take the initiative to Sichuan Zigong Light Middle School Education high school history. in the course of modern history, I tried to sum up the lessons of history, China's cultural tradition, political and systematic reflection of national character; I have also written textbooks for certain historic events of the shelter to reveal evaluation of school textbooks of history and ideology of the simple correction, such as the Cultural Revolution on the Japanese on the anti-rightist on; the same time I was in class advocated the separation of powers, advocate freedom of the press; I have tried to awaken students to pursue the awareness and value of life awareness of individual rights.
but I obviously Chinese schools closed environment and society as a whole are conservative and underestimated the utility indifference! I shock the world by various remarks quickly spread to the mouth of the parents of students there, spread to colleagues and where school leaders, principals say hello to me many times, asked me to follow the party's education policy, threatened to stop my class! people to look at me look crazy to me as a bookish geek crazy! a colleague said: you do not fit to survive in China, China has its own national conditions! on how the environment is bad. no one understanding and support, I got a man can change it? principal colleagues concepts and the extreme conservative and rigid examination of extreme crazy atmosphere made me feel like being all wilderness, lonely and not cry hoarse people respond violently to my head on the wall, he was the invisible wall to bounce back, I was exhausted but can not seem to change anything! year later, my blood began to cool down, split my heart extreme anxiety and pain, do not I would like for life and reality completely powerless? often, I am a man no one cold night wandering in the streets of Zigong, do not know Where is the way?
to think the problem, inquiring of life, education and political and social way , depression despair, I continue to read for spiritual resources. this time I do not have Internet access, and therefore missed the earlier fellow on the network to find opportunities. In this environment, I read the book more than Jiemo Luo, although not obtained What enlightenment ideas, but do not have a My Dao feel alone; this time saw how clear pouch hung from belt of the reality!
but this time, with my heart gives me strength alone is more writings of Lu Xun. whether the mad mad lonely experience or experience of the pioneers, as well as numbness in Yong public experience, or the dark nothingness of life experience, I have been there to find the resonance of Lu Xun. And Lu Xun on Chinese culture and Chinese people philosophy, truth, sincerity, truth, freedom, independence, criticism of these words have become key words. This is nothing less than three years, then three years of my life, try them, or that the soul of purgatory! borrow the words of Lu Xun, I finally know that they are not rallying to echo those who gathered for a hero. When the ideal face reality, when from the den to society, the naive illusions will soon burst, and the world will never be as simple as imagined! insisted that rise or depression? continue to pursue the ideal of or into the utilitarian pursuit of secular life? adapt, and change the environment or to find the ideal environment? not my wish to adapt to change not my best, so after three years teaching in Zigong, I chose to escape from stressful conditions, to find the ideal the environment! to Guangzhou to the Chinese media's paradise! maybe another way I can to realize their value!
media career: real freedom is a dream
always satisfied with my simple material existence . always want to do so to survive on little beyond the physical meaning. For my part, can not do education, the media is another option. I do not like people prefer the newspaper media, through the media reveal the truth about society, critical political and social realities, leading the concept of change, promoting social progress. But in my experience and contacts at the time, I did not have the opportunity to enter the media. Sport is my hobby, in the University students, then internship after I left, also in 2000 during the European Cup was first reported to the controversial articles of my Wind Window utopian dream. This close on some of the most freedom and the spirit of the most critical to my understanding of the media was devastating. When I was in high school teaching and Zigong depressing despair, I look forward to the free and full of vitality of the southern city of Guangzhou. when I really, when exposed to the media in Guangzhou, uncompromising character that I even can not accept such media. I dream of the place where ah? This is devastated! I want to return to secondary school. from the child started, adults have generally finished! So I went to a private school in Guangzhou Huamei Foreign Language teaching.
to return to the podium I have learned the lessons taught in Zigong, a start is quite restraint, but I am not a person with a heart the ability to divide. In secondary education, I did not realize the absurdity of high school literature books when I was admitted to Beijing University, and once I no longer believe that a fraud, I can not mouthpiece materials do, I can only understand as I read through the facts and realized that the history of ideas and their own feelings and experiences of independent thinking to guide students to think and face the truth. Therefore, I can only restraint is limited , can only be a short time. in class was about, I will be free to play up! want me to restrain free thought and speech and the pursuit of truth and the desire to desire is simply impossible!
pursuit of truth This is human nature, but we have long been tools of education and ideology, which makes it long ago forgotten what the pursuit of truth and a critical spirit. In the context of the overall closed thinking, I thought so heretical remarks destined to cause a sensation. soon, where parents learned from the students in my reaction, where they called to complain to the school leadership, secondary school department heads quickly to listen to my class, I did not realize the seriousness of the matter, let alone even aware of what I do not care, still according to my individual freedom to class, in class I were compared with Deng Xiaoping, and Chiang Ching-kuo, Chiang Ching-kuo affirmed, the principal one was scared, this is also amazing, dare to criticize our great beloved Comrade Deng Xiaoping? he quickly talk to the boss to report, immediately decided to stop the back of my two classes that day. I had left China's education in private schools who hopes, because I think they have the freedom from institutional constraints have full autonomy, as the private sector in general, should be dynamic and creative spirit. But the reality is not entirely as I expected. public school system does the rigid, conservative style, making progress, but under the current system, public schools to expel a person is not so easy to do, and not afraid to close public schools, private schools are the most afraid of this, if they do not decisively put me off the reactionaries, the state can threaten a sector off the private schools, so they All investment will be lost, so they can not tolerate more heresy. my first time teaching career for nearly three years, and this time only twenty-one! no political freedom, no room for pluralism, the emergence of private schools to change Status of Education rigid closed almost meaningless.
this time where I can go? I finally sought to an acceptable media is the Guangzhou Daily Dayang Soccer Channel to do the network editing. The working conditions general, do not need any creativity, but in fact the Chinese media is not totally free, at least two areas in the sports and entertainment a reality. you want to criticize the leadership Football Association, coaches or the players are certainly no problem, so I do not mind splitting and, of course, there is no sense of the value. And I was a fanatical football fan, so this work or have some interest. This goof mixed for two years, copy and paste job is typical of the simple manual no technical content does not require any creativity. This worked for me that the pursuit of meaningful and creative work of people like a long time is obviously intolerable.
ideal environment in secondary schools and the media are not, where can I go? and Zigong, when teaching, I feel very anxious and desperate heart is still often wandering aimlessly in the street, go? this time I had the idea of teaching scholarship to the University, the University is better than high school some of it free? scholarship, after all, I have a dream, right? However, no university would want me no fame undergraduate, graduate school to pursue a Ph.D. degree in university I have to! but English is ready, the political book was determination of the ground floor of my anger, my life is not his mother for graduate exam shit!
after a friend's introduction, I went to the Changping District of Beijing's State Council Development Research Center under the Edit. the one hand I was not very interested in the economy, on the other hand I am about the Qin Hui Xiao Xuehui, who made the manuscript is very difficult to get out, the editing is done very depressed very suffocating. this time I know the network Friends, Hangzhou Foreign Language School language teachers Chu-Yang Guo introduced me to hang outside to teach, is to teach the language! heard that hang outside the very free, I heard that they are very forgiving heads, I heard that hang outside of the teachers are good students, compared with the teaching of history than to teach the language to more clearly avoid political problems. I can only care about aesthetics, not painfully so schizophrenic! hang outside my memories, I love the teachers group, I like good talent there, and a strong desire to learn students, I like the relaxed atmosphere of this school. But since I do read the Literary Society in guiding the process of publication in journals, students are introduced Li Shenzhi, Zhu Xueqin, Orwell, Wang Shiwei and Lin Zhao and other figures, some teachers see shocked after the furious: This terrible, too reactionary! so he is there to complain to the school leadership! together with the vice president in charge of teaching already Shishi Chang could not understand me, and this time I did not in this stay off school, lost such a good environment to achieve the ideal of education, I am filled with regret! this incident is a lesson to me: I'm too hard-edged, too hasty it! really decided the fate! I am more suited to pursuit dash of daring general, not suitable for those who adhere to a compromise in!
this incident, I went back to Guangzhou after the attempt to continue to seek the media's work. In any case, I think in both my own to the circle of self-worth and turn. I suspect this is my destiny, is God's intentional! Why else would these two types of work from anything else I do feel worthless, not does it mean? So many people are not doing business is very happy? After a friend's introduction, I had the opportunity to ah? She said: degrees of freedom, and do ass news? rather starve then I would rather accept friend-funded work are determined not to accept this.
secondary education: complex
my heart forever like a circle and shift half of China, This time I really felt completely cornered! downright despair! I do not decadence that even telephone contact with the family! as well as they thought I committed suicide! I really thought about suicide? not, against despair, This is Lu Xun spiritual support to me! my life the energy and willpower of people are strong and will not easily give up and throw in the towel! when I suddenly thought of an educational magazine in Chengdu Qin Hui's education over a magazine interview, Lee is a very good education, media people! If you can not teach in the schools, through the media to join some of the lonely in real life, educational and social ideals of the teachers were good too! can borrow The platform, some ideas and dissemination of new educational philosophy is also very valuable thing ah! do this magazine and even the ideal combination of my education and the media ideal! doing thinking deeply and widely in-depth understanding of the reality of education in China, met a lot of primary and secondary schools of thought have good teachers, we have organized many activities to disseminate new educational philosophy. to do such trivial things on a solid concrete I read and still have a great impact on academic pursuits, but to change the value of education in China is no doubt great, so I no regrets!
But China's reality is always cruel. Agency under the Sichuan Education Press, as publishers and a deal of an educational institution, magazines are an institution to take over and renamed. Teachers readers mind! more than a year, I'm reading, Kandie, then decadent! to display their talent and realize my ideal place where to?
2005 semester, through a friend Li Town, teacher recommendations, I was hired to have any IB schools Jiang optometry Asia language teachers IB is a pre-university courses from the UK. Guangya at the school, I simply do not know why the matter IB? get it in the syllabus, I feel fresh and new, IB language courses are not scheduled uniform materials, but offers to a large bibliography for my hobbies, and according to their own students to choose the specific situation; it is very flexible teaching methods, emphasis on inspiring students and help students develop creative thinking and to develop the research capacity of students; its examination of the manner is unique, so that students write papers, write literary criticism, but also an oral exam! I am free to practice my philosophy of education following my ideals of education! in these three years, the Guangya School, Mr. Qing Guangya gave me unconditional trust and support gave me the greatest freedom! ...